As I'm sitting down to write this, I don't know if it will ever be shared or if I just need to get my thoughts all in one spot. So if you're reading it.. I clearly decided that it may help someone else. 

Being a person who loves social media I'm actually incredibly private. Seems like an oxy-moron, but that's usually the way, right? Because on social media you can control what the world sees and share the narrative that you so choose. It's all about marketing and PR, am I right?

I saw something recently that struck a cord with me. I've seen it a bunch but it didn't hit me til the other day. You ever have those moments? You see something or watch something but you don't get it til you're meant to. It was "your diet is not only what you eat. It is what you watch, what you listen to, the people you hang around. Be mindful of the things you put into your body emotionally, spiritually and physically."

Pretty heavy, right?

And after a weekend of digital detox being promoted and a much needed chat with one of my best friends, I started to really look at things. 

For one, I realized just how much I absentmindedly scroll on Instagram. It's a little alarming. It's almost like it's become a compulsion because I don't know what else to do, and gotta fill that time somehow. I manage a few different social media accounts so I am on it a lot. A lot more than the average bear that's for sure. And when I do get a break from it and I'm focusing on something else.. going for a walk, reading or time with another person and I'm present; I feel better. I'm so grateful for the platform because it's created amazing opportunities for me, but it also brought to light two realizations. 

The first being it was most certainly a distraction for me in a time where I was truly unhappy. Granted no one knew by scrolling through, I'm all about that marketing spin. But I am happy now, so why am I still endlessly scrolling? 

The other part is linked to the unhappy time in my life. That was one area where I was getting.. Validation, shall we say. And that extended to other ways as well. I was thriving on others opinions of me because I wasn't getting where I needed it. And we can probably psychoanalyze that further, but what it comes down to mainly is I lost myself. Looking back at pictures, I can see that. Others probably saw me as just playing around and experimenting, but I was trying to find a way to be happy. And seeing as I wasn't, I was shooting from some sort of reaction, and it was minimal. So naturally I went for the healthiest route, the internet. 

As a whole I'm a pretty self-assured. She's slowly coming back, but for a long time I lost that. I became very focused on others opinions and views of what the proverbial they thought and liked; not what I liked. I was like this rebellious teenager looking for a reaction, got none, so I pushed further. I mean, we all remember the constant sweatshirt and sneaker phase; that's not me. 

As a Gemini (oh yeah, we're going astrological) I'm adaptable. It's a trait that comes in handy, I can switch from alpha to beta depending on the group and what's needed. But that also means I adapt interests and sometimes clothing choices depending on who I'm around. Not morphing or losing myself, but it's definitely adjusted. 

Those you're around, what you watch and listen to truly come out in ways you never expected. My mindset and how I dressed over the course of the last few years truly shows that. I'm hoping to be more cognizant of that, continue to just be me and grow in that positivity. I want to be more aware of what I'm reading, more aware of the food I'm consuming, more aware of my water intake, more aware of the amount I'm social media. It's finding that balance of life. I'm getting a hell of a lot better with that but we're all growing and learning. One big realization is great, but you never stop having them. The more you trust yourself and are aware, the more they happen.

Thanks for reading!! 
Leah xx 


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